hurry up and.... wait!

I find myself driving and oops there i go... headspin...

I'm suddenly back to where I was, oh, 2yrs ago. 6mos ago. 8 DAYS ago. Again. Except this time its with a NEW view and a DIFFerent tune.


Awesome. Isnt it?
I find myself asking "Lord, did i hear you the first time?"or in a bewildered state; 
I hesitate. 
And meditate 
to formulate the words— 
and then.... release. ahhhh. 

....and I, I cannot bring more to the tip of my tongue to rattle off some religious prayer 
or words like its what You wanna hear 
and i s..s..stutter through because i feel like I have no words left to utter a glimpse into the wreckage and turmoil I'm in..

I have. no. words. 
God. I need a revelation! 
I just really want to know if your near me; 
Lord Do you hear me?!

And so I'm stuck. 
I keep driving. and thinking. 
and processing. 
My heart is overwhelmed and I feel defeated; 
yet You told me You've won the battle, 
no one should believe the lies b/c he cheated! 
Death will NOT win and take hold of my heart.
Ill press in and push through the feelings.Ill fight for what I KNOW to be true.
  . . . Its truth I rest in. . . True because of you! 
Because of the words you promised on that cross 2000 yrs ago 
because of the battle you fought 2000 yrs ago 
for liars and cheaters 
for skum and wife beaters.. 
he stole from him,
 she lied to him, 
he believed in false prophets, 
Lord forgive them, 
its the Devil who taught this! 

I tooooo was caught in it! I too was driven by vanity,  believed a false god when my looks were dictated by humanity. 

Flashing lights and fast cars, 
Money$ speaks when mingling w/ the stars… 

but You mingled with the least of these and spoke to the broken-hearted, 
how did you know I was like 'one of these' . . . and that's right where I started? 

You spoke to my soul, you gave me hope when I had none.
You breathed life into me, like so many others when they thought-they were done… 

And when I’m driving my car and wondering how the heck are you working Lord??? Im reminded… And you you SPEAK: 'Just wait dear one' my work has ONLY begun. 

Waiting. . . . its like a race.  
So, why the heck is there expressions like "watching paint dry?" or "...the kettle boil?” 
Don't they KNOW its a waste of time?? Yet God works on a different clock. 
I’ve heard he doesn't work on a clock and since its not on my dime, i think I'll just chill a minute… 
                                                                                and hurry up and wait.

Ok... reality?? here's my thoughts -->
I am often surprised how quickly i lose faith. its like every few weeks (on a good day) or every few days (i SHOULD say!) that I get this puffy feeling of "YES! LETS DO THIS!!!" and Im ready to take on the world!!!!

Seized by vision.
Thats what they say when you're so completely overtaken with a vision or life dream that you literally cannot stop until you grasp it, taste it, touch it, see it!

Have you had this yet? 
I wondered if I had because of the amount of day-dreaming i did in college and shortly thereafter I often times even wonder if my 'vision' so-to-speak is truly a vision. Orrrr just a DREAM that I have somehow convinced myself that its a reality and that that is truly what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life and Ill just absolutely DIE if I don't! <exhale>>> haha.

And then its the quiet times that Im really wrestling over the 'what i think to be "vision" for my life' that I actually go a bit deeper to realize, wow. Its not just a dream. It IS what I've been overcome by. And as much as I can have a dream to be on american idol or another contestant on the X factor - FACT of the reality is, is that i probably won’t, and i most certainly WON’T if I don’t ever even try! (don’t worry. Im not auditioning for The Voice;) BUT to have a dream that you are always brought back to when you know it has nothing to do with making your name bigger or bringing more attention to you, and its simply to draw awareness to someone greater than I, give glimpses and tales of hope, or give people a chance to have a voice when they haven’t before??? - That can't be so bad . . . can it?? :}

And so these are just some of my thoughts I wrestle with on a day to day basis and I wonder - Am I doing all I can be doing to SEIZE the moment!?? CARPE DIEM right??? OR, am I sitting cross legged with bonbons in my lap expecting room service and my dream to be delivered?    
I look to some of the people the Word tells us about and their journeys and what it took to get their vision or what they were called to and ya know what?!? It actually makes me think Im not all THAT crazy! (although I would hate to wait till I'm 98 to have a baby or start a nation like Abraham) But conversations the men & women of the Bible must have had with God I'm sure were quite humorous (or well humorously "hard" for them really) But in hindsight just imagine; God and Noah are talking about the ARK and what its going to take to build an ARK of that size and what the blueprints looked like and how there was going to be this thing that was wet and actually stayed on the ground and caused mud to be made out of dirt, and was hard to move through when it was more than a couple inches deep, and how the puddles would rise and then eventually they would rise up so much that people wouldn't know how to swim, and scary thunder clouds would come, and lightning strikes, and more... (Um, how terrifying that must have been now knowing what thunder storms were!?!?!) and so rain and horrifying weather patterns would flood the earth and NO ONE would survive!!! ...that is IF Noah didn't build the ark!

IF Noah didn't take a risk to build it and look foolish every day for 120 years while people mocked him. And IF Noah even decided 80 years into the project he wasn't going to complete the boat because he thought God's VISION and plan for humanity & him was just too much? IF he thought his journey to fulfillment of God's great destiny was too much of God to ask of him and took wayyyyy too long to bring to completion. IF it was just too much and he decided he wanted to go down in history with a partially finished boat.... um hello!!! We wouldn't BE HERE! :-P

So then, thanks to Beth Moore who talked about courageous men that followed God's call to completion, she reminded me once in a talk of so many of these stories. She brought up how the Israelites wouldn't have fled and the exodus wouldn't have happened had Moses' arms got tired when he was parting the red sea and he decided to quit! And If Abraham was like "Nope, God... I LIKE being stuck where I'm at and I'm not going to the promise Land, no matter what you say" we wouldn't have been descendants of his.

To which I add:
- If Esther wouldn't have listened to Mordecai and talked to the King on behalf of the Jews
- If Joshua wouldn't have led his people across the Jordan
- If David didn't wait until it was his turn to step into his role as king 
          -If Ruth decided not to stay with her mother-in-law after her husband passed and then wait on Boaz until he noticed her
- If Joseph decided NOT to marry THE Mary (hellooo, she was announced as pregnant before he like 'KNEW' knew her)
- If Peter wouldn't have dropped his net to follow Jesus and or attempted to take Jesus at his word and walk on water, 
-And IF Jesus totally knew by vision what he was called to do, but IF he decided to not step into the fulfillment of his calling, then history would have been forever changed! And you and I would not be here today.

So I know I sound dramatic, but seriously... I cant imagine the heart-ache the Father felt when his son took off with his inheritance money and ran off to play with all his friends while his father was stuck home WAITING for the son's return! Or how it must have felt for Simeon to wait his LIFE to see the coming Messiah???!? I wonder if the blind man had a vision before Jesus passed him that he'd be healed and get to do great things, but just was waiting for Jesus to pass him and put mud on his eyes? Or if Lazarus was sick and dying and just KNEW Jesus would bring him back to life??? (Um Holy buckets, crazy right?!? ok, so I KNOW Mary & Martha didnt know!! :-P ha)

And so when the bible has stories of characters of GREAT FAITH and people like the woman who bled for 12yrs having enough faith to just TOUCH Jesus robe to be healed, I WONDER...

Where is our faith and what has it come to?
Do we just not believe... Or do we believe ENOUGH to stick with it through the waiting???

Ugh. For some reason I don't know and it hurts my brain to think even deeper....

We're asked to trust and have faith - be confidant about things we hope for and SURE about things we cannot see...(Heb 11:1) and we wrestle with how MUCH do we press in and keep pressing until the Lord answers us or shows us? When is enough? When do we rest with that not being God's Will? The day of Completion??

In Matthew 7:7 it says Ask seek knock: "ask and you shall receive, seek and you'll find, knock and the door will be opened unto you" and in Eph 3:20 it says He(God) can do IMMEASURABLY more than all we could ask or imagine... and so, I'm STOKED He reminds us after he told us in Mt 7:7 to ask, seek & knock, that He reminds us again that He IS able to do INFINITELY MORE.  So when we do ask, seek, or knock; we KNOW its not pointless!! 
And so,  Im pressing in....I'll keep asking! And I guess,  I'll keep waiting! 
And as its written "May you have the power to understand, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep HIS love is. . . Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think!!" Eph 3:18-20 I'll keep praying. 
I'll keep praying that I would draw CLOSER to him in the waiting for the vision He placed in my mind and heart years ago.  That I KNOW its not in vain and that believing God for something bigger than life is ok! Isn’t that what Life should be like anyways?? an adventure that we're bored if dont GO FOR IT??

Waiting. (I guess its just the wonderful & painful part of life: to HURRY UP and wait ;)

Be encouraged sweet one.  He knows your heart. He knows every desire and he's implanted a lot of his vision already in you... You just may have to dig a little... and while you wait, like I wait for the things i KNOOOOOW He's promised me, it's just more opportunities to let God continue working things together for good!
...and opportunity for us to grow in our patience;) 


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