when window shopping isnt enough

A thousand directions my mind; spinning.  
I reach and try to grasp the thoughts as they leave me, 
they escape the canvass of my mind just as quickly as I try to unpack them.  
Another thought. "stay focused…Lets dig deeper" I think to myself as I search for the address of the organization that's doing awesome things; 
I rack my brain as it consumed me just 24hours ago.  
Ah yes, they were changing lives, and here's a perfect opportunity to use my gifts; THIS is what I've been waiting for, and my dreams begin to take flight.  

"Who am I kidding, they don't need me."  - the lies start to creep in, and enveloped in the depth of my own struggle, the easy thing would be to turn to facebook or scroll instagram as somehow we're convinced its soothing.  
<<<<SIGH>>> 
What it would be like to sit still for longer than 24hours without a dream coming to mind!??!
A desire to want to see change, a hope stirred for wrongs to be righted and for justice to be possible!

You see when you're made like me your mind never stops, your hope never ceases, your love never wains... To see stories redeemed and broken people restored:  
     -To show a single mother of 6 that God still thinks of her, not occasionally, but frequently! And                not because she's a nuisance but because He is just outright PASSIONATE about her
     -To deliver a clear mind to him through his surrender and not through a bottle…There's so much 

          beyond the liquid numbness he seeks week after week!

-To show her worthy of love at size 8 or 18.  I bet she knows how to love on others, but can she herself?  Whether a 24 a 6 a 12 or a 2, the torment and jail she slips into whenever her willpower fleas is heartbreaking.  Doesn't anyone care what she's made of? 

- He knows he won't get to operate anytime soon and the pressure to perform is killing him after a dream that's not even his, but forged upon him.  His lot has been casted.



- To show her she's valued beyond her Michael Khors and Jimmy Choos. It doesn't even matter if she's a size 2.


The right guy doesn't come in being perfectly put-together, but every other guy that's left her EXPECTS this of her; and so she thinks this equates her worth.
 
- If only to relieve the pressure he faces of being "the man" when all he saw modeled was whips and belts and loud declarations of authority? "Man up for what?!" he cries to himself, as he  dresses in a power suit and drives a Ferarri to look the part so his peers respect him and yet 
no one knows him….  Not. Even. Him.


The sweet facade presented as "self" as if we were all mannequins perfectly poised ready to face life is killing us.  We have impeccable taste, an eye for fashion, desirable careers not to mention salaries. We live in a day with incredible technology changing how we do life, we can multitask 18 things at once and still have time to decompress with yoga and 2.5hours of meditation; yet in sea of people who pride themselves on being strong independent and successful ---- 
People are lonely and our success is suffocating.  
<<inhale>>

We have it ALL-together and we fight to "stay at the top", yet when something crumbles; on the way down who is there to greet us at the bottom?  Not even the sales associate who sold you the Kenneth Cole aviators cares to know too much about your troubles; for it might mess up his "chi" 

BUT….when you pause long enough to hear the second hand of your watch tick, or lie awake staring at the ceiling before you drift into a land of Zzzzz, even he, the associate, longs to know a hope beyond his paycheck.  
Beyond. his. circumstances...

You see, My intentions aren't to isolate people like they're "all SO different" but because we're actually all so similar!  

I've walked in the shoes of each of these stories and I know what its like to long for something beyond my circumstances.  And at the end of the day, when everything's stripped away and we go to our graves the saying "He who dies with the most toys wins" is nice and fun when you're on a wakeboard in a sweet session of riding glassy water!  

But, when we stop to see what would be there beyond our circumstances;  reality; perhaps....checks in. 


So what I share, I dont share lightly… It's because it's that close to me, I hold it dearly. 

I encountered a relentless love, someone impossible to turn away! 
I learned what it was like to not feel like a burden, or that it was only a matter of time before he left. 
He showed me I didn't have to impress with last quarter's wages to be let into the reception, 
let alone peak into through the glass as if window shopping for a new life(He let me do that too because I wasn't ready.)  
For some reason I didn't trust that he had my best interests in mind.  I questioned if following him, and giving up my right to indulge my senses, would leave me empty-hearted and unfulfilled; 
and yet while I waivered, He patiently waited so I could see he was good.  

His sheer size and ferocious stature had me question the use of his might.
Yet I found out, that it was because He'd be my protector and the true warrior I needed; a refuge and safety to turn to even before I pleaded.

He taught me it the size of my waist or my external beauty didn't matter, but the size of my heart and a heart willing to serve thee.
To BE like Him. Love others. Come to him. Help a brother.
He taught me how to love.  Not just others, but me!
He showed me there wasn't a thing I could do to impress him more, or perform even better, but that he loved me how he created me. 
He Instilled a new heart and a new desire to see things just the way HE does…
to hear what he hears and as if ocean calls to deep, to dive deeper and fully in to what He's doing.

This burden, this desire I carry for something to be done; ...for the ability to see a difference made 
and change actually happen.   
     - To watch precious babes smile and laugh out of pure joy, 
     - To see people come alive when embraced, 
     - To have a direct part of helping, 
     - To put pieces back together or pour into holes left unfilled,

So, while I may say I want to shut it off so I can rest from those thoughts, I actually don't.
Im thankful to be a dreamer for change and the hope He's instilled in my life to keep the pace.  

For this race I run isn't over, its only just begun.  I could think of a million things and a thousand ways to get involved and jump into something bigger than me.

Im okay to be wired this way ----
And while you may say Im a dreamer;
Im not the only one. 


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