They Call Me Blondie

Totally freaked out.   I stand at the edge of what seems like a never ending drop.  In the fog and the haze, I look out past the horizon and hear whispers of something I recognize.   "Brave"  the wind whistles... its cold now, and although bundled in a sweater and warmth, the wind whips through and over the grasses with a chilling bite.  From atop the mountain it seems so far down... as you think of the long way it is to the bottom, which would certainly mean the death of you, the thoughts start to crawl in... Dont forget while you're here, they're there planning without you. . .  What are you doing with your life? . . .You stink at being a parent, a thrown together lunch because you forgot to get to the store  . . .   After so much strategy and efforts planning, what if the merger is a flop? . . . How will we ever have a child?  Where is the money going to come from?  . . .  Mise well be who they want you to be - its easier ...

I sat in the front seat of my car tears streaming down my face as I talked.  I was sharing with a girlfriend well into the midnight morning hours the depth of brokenness and hurt I've experienced in relationships past and reflected on reasons perhaps of treading lightly or wanting to protect my heart for a number of things.  As she sat and listened, I described a couple of the rather tragic breakups I've endured and shed light on a few other 'wrong fits' that still have contributed to me becoming the woman I am today (and Im still filled with optimism and hope!)   She and I were talking through some of the reasons we shy away from certain "types" of guys and then perhaps some of the reasons we're attracted to another type of guy.  As I thought of the relationship that had me sidelined and utterly shocked by an uncourageous breakup over the phone, with 3000 miles and thousands of questions over what happened between us, I would never know. This was b...

spoken word piece by wj... Why the insecurity? Why the confusion, the doubt, the mystery? We awake, the sun rises. Head-strong: confront the day;  plan is? no surprises then it hits – Crisis. Thoughts start spiralin’ “must’ve been…” And the back and forth limbo:  “ was it me? …Or was it he?” And without a word that is even spoken, the devil takes hold and starts runnin… Those thoughts :( “No! Stop!”   For a split second you actually know its not true, but the battle begins and he’s on to you. “ But he meant it by his actions ” …our own mind deceives us and we somehow allow the enemy to convince our insecurities are what make us. Rejection. Annoyance. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough… Dumb. Not worthy of time or space. “ Do they even look at your face? …when you speak ” the voice speaks.   And...

I’ve noticed I’ve been lacking inspiration.  Perhaps even feeling. Maybe, I’m actually numb.  Is it possible to be numb and actually know that you’re numb?  Or is that just something someone else notices when you don’t cry at a Hallmark commercial or when American Idol is chosen and it’s the one who’s overcome the most and triumphed over their upbringing in the hood?  Perhaps it’s a little of both. Its not like I don’t cry. I have my moments when I listen to the radio and hear an overwhelming story about how the Lord saved a teacher and her students from the tornados of OK that just demolished an entire school! – She leaped across her students yelling “we’re gonna be fine, Lord protect us! ” as the kids were screaming in terror and one little guy yells to his teacher “I love you! Please don’t die, I love you! ” – Um, how can you NOT tear up at that story???   But perhaps it’s a bit deeper. Perhaps it’s a bit more personal. Perhaps it’s my guard? ...