They Call Me Blondie

So, I used to think no matter how thin or petty I was, I would never be thin or pretty enough to be valuable and lovable. I battled food restriction, addictions, and even working out too much! I had the coined "female athlete triad" disorder where you don't eat enough for workouts & yet loved the number on the scale or the size of jeans I could fit into, so it was a vicious cycle. I remember feeling worthless for years as I struggled to overcome the lies. Now, almost 4 years free of living under the control of what I consumed, within the last few years I've come to understand my beauty & character, even WHO I am in a whole different light! I choose to eat to fuel my body for my workouts now, instead of scavenge off of rabbit food to barely make it through the day! I've taken hold of incredible promises found in God's word; and believe it or not; I have been set free!! I don't say this to preach by any means. I never expected others to live up to...

As i listened to him speak, an all too familiar thought crossed my mind.   “This doesnt apply to you girl...He’s talking to people that  don’t have the struggles that you do.  You’ve already had your chance and you missed it, so somehow you have to learn to survive and carry on.  This is the lot you got in life”  Hmmm. thats odd. I knew I’ve heard that voice before, but for some reason this time it didn’t seem very convincing. I mean it did, but right in the middle of church?   I found myself wanting to believe what the guy on the platform was sharing.  And yet my own thought life was trying to disagree?   Could it be, my own thoughts are not really my own?  What if what I’ve heard is really true - That the enemy of our soul will do everything to convince us of what we’re not, so we are too embarrassed to come any closer to freedom? Ya know; things along lines of Not being good enough to ____ or Not strong enough to resist ____....

"Define yourself as ONE Beloved by God - THIS is the TRUE SELF.  Every Other Identity is an illusion"  I've come to a place where I know who I am...What a sweet place to be!  No I haven't arrived, but there's so many things that play into this: my identity is not based off another  man's thoughts about me; how well I perform, how thin or pretty I am; how well educated I portray myself to be; how popular or not; trendy or stylish; strong; meek; rich; outgoing; humble; even grateful....  As a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a colleague or an employee, my worth has been established by one who thinks I am royalty!  The best part?! It's not based off any of the things I can achieve and I've already been declared set apart and worthy of value and love!  The even greater part? You are too!!  Living in an illusion of self is the lie we have to battle on a daily basis....  When you know you are truly HIS BELOVED  i...

You see, we live with this false illusion that if only our makeup was perfect we were thin or pretty enough, then we'd somehow gain acceptance in the world and life would suddenly start to make sense, come together, maintain control. (Yeh right.  Nice fairytale, huh?!) And yet when  all is said and done and "perfect enough"  there still seems to be a screaming loud hole in the depth of one's soul  that somehow doesn't fill the void; and you find yourself longing...  Longing to believe the truth when people say "they will still love you for you, no matter what size you are," meanwhile the billboards, magazine covers, movies and ads by the thousands dont lie.  At least in your mind they dont.  They all scream the "ideal" female. But what digital artists, marketing geniuses and hollywood failed to clue you in on was that every ad, billboard or magazine cover has been airbrushed and countoured to just that 'perfect look.'  It's impo...